


My Own Worst Enemy

by xPhoenixFlamex



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, In which the Author is having a Bad Day so they take it out on Lance, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Insecurity, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron)-centric, No Spoilers, References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 11:03:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12769662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xPhoenixFlamex/pseuds/xPhoenixFlamex
Summary: Useless.Deadweight.Annoying.Arrogant.Liar.Failure.Drowning.Those words summed Lance up perfectly, in his opinion.[Just Langst. Nothing else.]





	My Own Worst Enemy

Drowning.

_ Drowning. _

**_Drowning._ **

Ironic for the Blue Paladin, right?

Water was his element. It always had been. He was born into a family that lived by the beachside. He learned to swim before he could walk. He was the Guardian of Water.

**_Useless._ **

So why did it always feel like he was drowning? 

He wasn’t good enough. He had never been. It simply was an impossible feat for him, but he was too stubborn to accept it. 

Too stubborn to accept how  _ useless  _ he was. Because he really was. He was helpless enough to be the first to have to be put into the cryopod. He was too stupid to realize that that drone hadn’t been a bomb sooner. He was too oblivious to realize his best friend was a girl.

(He had noticed there were some things that were more... _ feminine _ about her, but he hadn’t thought much of it. Pidge had introduced herself as a guy, so that’s who Pidge was in Lance’s mind.)

**_Deadweight._ **

He swore under his breath, lashing out and knocking all of his carefully organized products off of the sink of his bathroom. They came crashing to the ground loudly, clattering on the hard floor. It didn’t matter. They didn’t matter. It wasn’t like it would magically make him useful or not ugly.

They were alien, but not miracle workers. 

They couldn’t make him what he needed to be. 

A better brother. A better friend.

A better teammate. A better pilot. 

A better soldier. A better diplomat.

A better Paladin.

**_Annoying._ **

He gripped his head harshly, pulling at his own hair ruthlessly. The pain helped block out some of the numbness he was feeling. He always felt. 

He looked in the mirror and saw someone else staring back. Someone who looked like him. Someone full of flaws with no good traits. Someone with a big mouth and an even bigger list of failures. Someone who was full of pain, and yet still was seeking more.

_ (A dark room. The glint of metal in the moonlight. Harsh breathing. Tears. _

_ A clatter of an object falling to the ground. Shaky hands. Numbness filling his body. _

_ Nothing happened that time.  _ **_That_ ** _ time.) _

He closed his eyes tightly, disgusted with himself. Disgusted with the person in the mirror that he wished could be anyone but him.

**_Arrogant._ **

He was too arrogant, and he knew it. He knew when he spoke he was being too egotistical. He knew he was over-complimenting himself. He knew every time he flirted that it was useless because no one would want any part of him or his personality.

Who could care or love someone like him?

He didn’t  _ mean  _ to be so prideful, but it was the only way he knew how to act. When he was younger he didn’t know any alternatives rather than being himself. His stupid self that cried too much and told people about all the dark shadows haunting him. They just opened him to a world of criticism and skepticism.

_ (“He’s just doing it for attention. He’s the middle child. It’s completely normal he feels ignored. Give him some time, he’ll grow out of it.” _

_ He never did.) _

That was right. He was too arrogant and was doing this all for attention.

So he hid that side of him. 

**_Liar._ **

The side that wanted to cry out about how much he was hurting behind closed doors. The side that wanted someone to pat him on the back for getting out of bed in the morning. The side that wanted someone to notice how he was doing the right thing by not falling back into his old, worse habits.

He only started feeling this way because he wasn’t getting enough attention, after all. He only started feeling like nothing about him was right because he was one of a family of seven. He had always known he was never as smart, athletic, or driven as his siblings. 

So he lied to himself. Made up some bullshit about his mind being messed up and against him and somehow made himself believe it.

He hid it, so he wouldn’t have to inflict his pride on those he cared about.

He had opened up to two people. One was his mother, who brushed it aside as teenage depression. They had one tender moment where she soothed him and he felt like all was good, but then she never said anything or tried to help him in any way. 

The other was his closest childhood friend who had anxiety himself. They helped each other for a while, with the other boy helping Lance not do anything drastic on more than one occasion. Things were improving...before the other boy started acting like Lance didn’t exist.

_ (Hunk was supposed to be the third, but Lance didn’t want to burden his friend with anything. Hunk didn’t deserve that. Hunk didn’t deserve him. Hunk was too good. Lance was too...Lance.) _

**_Failure._ **

He took a deep breath, before opening his eyes. He released his head and washed his face with the cool water, trying to make it look like he hadn’t just been crying over how much of a failure he was.

He patted his face dry and looked at himself once more. He was still numb. Still useless. 

He carefully picked up the facial products on the ground, reorganizing them. 

_ Deadweight. Annoying.  _

He methodically dressed in his usual outfit. He neatly made his bed.

_ Arrogant. Liar. _

He was still a failure.

He just was good at hiding it.

Because he wouldn’t burden anyone else with the knowledge of who he really was.

He plastered on his best fake smile, and walked out of his room, ending his typical morning routine.

_ Time to face another day. _

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is xphoenixwritingx.tumblr.com scream at me there please


End file.
